Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
