I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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