Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
