I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
