I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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