you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
