i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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