The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
