If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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