I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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