I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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