1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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