she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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