Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
