when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
this just has baby written all over it
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
