saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
