he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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