omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.