Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
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just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
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I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.