is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.