my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
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And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.