Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
