you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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