I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
