Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
