Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
