Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
