Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
