I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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