What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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