The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
