Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My vagina is very pro this idea
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
