Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
