Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
