I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
