Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
