i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
