WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
