When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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