Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
