Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
