What a fucking waste of an outfit
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
