Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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