Sponge bath it is.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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