my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
