I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
