also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
