I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
