I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
