I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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