you turned your livingroom into a bong?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's never too late to be topless.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
