the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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