i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
