that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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