Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
