haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
