sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
