she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i came on her dog
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
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I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
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I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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