Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just want to make out with him forever
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
