i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
