Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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