I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
