i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
