You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
