I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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